I’m not sure it really matters what label we attach to the sexual behaviors that can undermine our lives. The bottom and more essential line is whether, or not the behavior in question can be stopped before the consequences become too severe.
Usually, when people turn to me for help, it’s because they’ve tried repeatedly to stop some sexual behavior without success. Along with this effort they may have also made promises to loved-ones that they didn’t keep. This doesn’t mean that they didn’t try to keep their word, but that they couldn’t resist the compulsion to relapse.
As I see it, my job is to help build a good plan for achieving their personal goals regarding these sexual-compulsive behaviors and to empower them to keep their promises. My interest is in their long-term and self-defined success, no matter what we call the problem.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Shame.
The phrase "shame on you" sums it up. When many of us were kids, this statement was used to put us in our place. It also helped us feel bad about ourselves, our actions and our place in th world.
In some family cultures this idea was also attached to expressions of sexuality. This way, some of us became ashamed of our sexual feelings and emerging sense of self.
As adults, we may feel a lot of sexual pressure: you should do this, you shouldn't do that, etc. All these rules; it almost like there's a finger wagging at us... judging us, shaming us.
When it comes to porn use, or abuse, the shame machine kicks into high gear and can become comes a part of what keeps us sexually distant and introverted.
For many, porn use, or abuse is a way of coping with the day-to-day stress of life. Should we embrace this idea of shame, or should we see this behavior for what it is and try to understand the role it plays in our lives and relationships?
Visit my website: www.resolutioncounseling.org
In some family cultures this idea was also attached to expressions of sexuality. This way, some of us became ashamed of our sexual feelings and emerging sense of self.
As adults, we may feel a lot of sexual pressure: you should do this, you shouldn't do that, etc. All these rules; it almost like there's a finger wagging at us... judging us, shaming us.
When it comes to porn use, or abuse, the shame machine kicks into high gear and can become comes a part of what keeps us sexually distant and introverted.
For many, porn use, or abuse is a way of coping with the day-to-day stress of life. Should we embrace this idea of shame, or should we see this behavior for what it is and try to understand the role it plays in our lives and relationships?
Visit my website: www.resolutioncounseling.org
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Nurture: the environmental factor.
The world we grow up in plays a huge role in our personal development.
One significant environmental factor is the extent to which we felt safe and secure as children.
This sense of security is greatly influenced by family and home factors:
- the temperment of the household (mood, the chaos v. structure continuum, consistency, etc.)
- the consistency and quality of our parents' relationship
- our relationship with each parent
- financial stability
- our sibling and extended-family relationships
The less predictable each of these factors, the more we're likely to depend on some method of self-soothing.
My website: www.resolutioncounseling.org
Monday, July 5, 2010
How much is enough?
How much does it takes to soothe us? Of course, this varies from person to person.
Like most aspects of psychology, this comes down to questions about "nature and nurture".
We each are born with genetic predispositions that we inherit from our parents and their parents regarding intelligence, hair color, height, and health.
When it comes to health, we are more or less likely to develop cancer, have heart problems, or be vulnerable to addiction, or compulsive behavior. Those of us with addiction in our genetic makeup are apparently more likely to struggle with it in our own lives.
One simple way to determine our vulnerability to addiction is to take a look at our parents and grandparents. For instance, how much and how often did they consume alcohol? Did they have problems with gambling, infidelity, or workaholism?
Like most aspects of psychology, this comes down to questions about "nature and nurture".
We each are born with genetic predispositions that we inherit from our parents and their parents regarding intelligence, hair color, height, and health.
When it comes to health, we are more or less likely to develop cancer, have heart problems, or be vulnerable to addiction, or compulsive behavior. Those of us with addiction in our genetic makeup are apparently more likely to struggle with it in our own lives.
One simple way to determine our vulnerability to addiction is to take a look at our parents and grandparents. For instance, how much and how often did they consume alcohol? Did they have problems with gambling, infidelity, or workaholism?
If we are predisposed to compulsivity, it's also likely that we'll easily build a tolerance to most self-soothing techniques. The amount, or frequency that might work for others may not be, or remain enough for us.
My website: www.resolutioncounseling.org
Sunday, July 4, 2010
When we feel down, we self-soothe.
We've all had tough days, depressing days, or frustrating days.
To pick ourselves up, to feel better, we self-soothe.
Some popular techniques, or applications are:
ice cream
TV
music
chocolate
alcohol
gambling
sex
reading
crying
exercise
meditation
eating
yoga
sleeping
working
cleaning
talking
helping
drugs.
How do you self-soothe?
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Our shortcomings and defects of character.
Don't we all have some shortcomings and defects of character?
All we have to do is look at ourselves, our families and friends to know that few, if any, of us grew up in a paradise of unconditional love and complete acceptance. Likewise, the gene pool we draw from is also filled with as many flaws as it is praiseworthy attributes.
There are many ways to compensate, or overcompensate for the flaws we see in ourselves.
One common defense against an awareness of our flaws is to look for and to focus on these same flaws in others. This kind of projection makes it easier to live with parts of ourselves that we dislike. As we focus on the short-comings of others, we create an illusion that we are better than them, or less flawed. It stands to reason, that the greater this type of focus on others, the more we are likely to dislike parts of ourselves.
All we have to do is look at ourselves, our families and friends to know that few, if any, of us grew up in a paradise of unconditional love and complete acceptance. Likewise, the gene pool we draw from is also filled with as many flaws as it is praiseworthy attributes.
There are many ways to compensate, or overcompensate for the flaws we see in ourselves.
One common defense against an awareness of our flaws is to look for and to focus on these same flaws in others. This kind of projection makes it easier to live with parts of ourselves that we dislike. As we focus on the short-comings of others, we create an illusion that we are better than them, or less flawed. It stands to reason, that the greater this type of focus on others, the more we are likely to dislike parts of ourselves.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Porn addiction and the lack of emotional intimacy.
In my work, wives frequently report a lack of emotional intimacy in their marriages.
This comes as no surprise, especially if the husband is heavily into pornography and has been for 10 to 20 years. Commonly, men who use porn habitually, do so in part as a means of self-soothing, reducing stress, or tension. Often, a part of the story of the origins of their sexual behavior, masturbation often develops early on as a means of coping with emotional tension. At this earlier stage, this behavior is essentially an adaptive technique. The problems usually arise in adult life, when, after years of this type of conditioning and emotional self-soothing the porn user has difficulty switching gears and turning to others for emotional support. The spouse will notice the disconnect and voice concern. Unfortunately, the well-conditioned, self-soothing porn user may response to this emotional pressure with more porn and self-soothing; the default response.
The good news for the porn user is that at this point in life, a shift or change may be possible. Instead of turning inward, or to porn they might be able to give emotional openness another chance. They may find soothing and pleasurable emotional connection (intimacy) with their spouse.
My website: www.resolutioncounseling.org
This comes as no surprise, especially if the husband is heavily into pornography and has been for 10 to 20 years. Commonly, men who use porn habitually, do so in part as a means of self-soothing, reducing stress, or tension. Often, a part of the story of the origins of their sexual behavior, masturbation often develops early on as a means of coping with emotional tension. At this earlier stage, this behavior is essentially an adaptive technique. The problems usually arise in adult life, when, after years of this type of conditioning and emotional self-soothing the porn user has difficulty switching gears and turning to others for emotional support. The spouse will notice the disconnect and voice concern. Unfortunately, the well-conditioned, self-soothing porn user may response to this emotional pressure with more porn and self-soothing; the default response.
The good news for the porn user is that at this point in life, a shift or change may be possible. Instead of turning inward, or to porn they might be able to give emotional openness another chance. They may find soothing and pleasurable emotional connection (intimacy) with their spouse.
My website: www.resolutioncounseling.org
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