Addiction, Dependence, or Habit?

I’m not sure it really matters what label we attach to the sexual behaviors that can undermine our lives. The bottom and more essential line is whether, or not the behavior in question can be stopped before the consequences become too severe.

Usually, when people turn to me for help, it’s because they’ve tried repeatedly to stop some sexual behavior without success. Along with this effort they may have also made promises to loved-ones that they didn’t keep. This doesn’t mean that they didn’t try to keep their word, but that they couldn’t resist the compulsion to relapse.

As I see it, my job is to help build a good plan for achieving their personal goals regarding these sexual-compulsive behaviors and to empower them to keep their promises. My interest is in their long-term and self-defined success, no matter what we call the problem.

Shame.

The phrase "shame on you" sums it up. When many of us were kids, this statement was used to put us in our place. It also helped us feel bad about ourselves, our actions and our place in th world.

In some family cultures this idea was also attached to expressions of sexuality. This way, some of us became ashamed of our sexual feelings and emerging sense of self.

As adults, we may feel a lot of sexual pressure: you should do this, you shouldn't do that, etc. All these rules; it almost like there's a finger wagging at us... judging us, shaming us.

When it comes to porn use, or abuse, the shame machine kicks into high gear and can become comes a part of what keeps us sexually distant and introverted.

For many, porn use, or abuse is a way of coping with the day-to-day stress of life. Should we embrace this idea of shame, or should we see this behavior for what it is and try to understand the role it plays in our lives and relationships?

Visit my website: www.resolutioncounseling.org

Nurture: the environmental factor.

The world we grow up in plays a huge role in our personal development.

One significant environmental factor is the extent to which we felt safe and secure as children.

This sense of security is greatly influenced by family and home factors:

• the temperment of the household (mood, the chaos v. structure continuum, consistency, etc.)
• the consistency and quality of our parents' relationship
• our relationship with each parent
• financial stability
• our sibling and extended-family relationships

The less predictable each of these factors, the more we're likely to depend on some method of self-soothing.

My website: www.resolutioncounseling.org

How much is enough?

How much does it takes to soothe us? Of course, this varies from person to person.

Like most aspects of psychology, this comes down to questions about "nature and nurture".

We each are born with genetic predispositions that we inherit from our parents and their parents regarding intelligence, hair color, height, and health.

When it comes to health, we are more or less likely to develop cancer, have heart problems, or be vulnerable to addiction, or compulsive behavior. Those of us with addiction in our genetic makeup are apparently more likely to struggle with it in our own lives.

One simple way to determine our vulnerability to addiction is to take a look at our parents and grandparents. For instance, how much and how often did they consume alcohol? Did they have problems with gambling, infidelity, or workaholism?

If we are predisposed to compulsivity, it's also likely that we'll easily build a tolerance to most self-soothing techniques. The amount, or frequency that might work for others may not be, or remain enough for us.

My website: www.resolutioncounseling.org

When we feel down, we self-soothe.

We've all had tough days, depressing days, or frustrating days.

To pick ourselves up, to feel better, we self-soothe.

Some popular techniques, or applications are:

ice cream

TV

music

chocolate

alcohol

gambling

sex

reading

crying

exercise

meditation

eating

yoga

sleeping

working

cleaning

talking

helping

drugs.

How do you self-soothe?

http://www.resolutioncounseling.org/

Our shortcomings and defects of character.

Don't we all have some shortcomings and defects of character?

All we have to do is look at ourselves, our families and friends to know that few, if any, of us grew up in a paradise of unconditional love and complete acceptance. Likewise, the gene pool we draw from is also filled with as many flaws as it is praiseworthy attributes.

There are many ways to compensate, or overcompensate for the flaws we see in ourselves.

One common defense against an awareness of our flaws is to look for and to focus on these same flaws in others. This kind of projection makes it easier to live with parts of ourselves that we dislike. As we focus on the short-comings of others, we create an illusion that we are better than them, or less flawed. It stands to reason, that the greater this type of focus on others, the more we are likely to dislike parts of ourselves.

Porn addiction and the lack of emotional intimacy.

In my work, wives frequently report a lack of emotional intimacy in their marriages.

This comes as no surprise, especially if the husband is heavily into pornography and has been for 10 to 20 years. Commonly, men who use porn habitually, do so in part as a means of self-soothing, reducing stress, or tension. Often, a part of the story of the origins of their sexual behavior, masturbation often develops early on as a means of coping with emotional tension. At this earlier stage, this behavior is essentially an adaptive technique. The problems usually arise in adult life, when, after years of this type of conditioning and emotional self-soothing the porn user has difficulty switching gears and turning to others for emotional support. The spouse will notice the disconnect and voice concern. Unfortunately, the well-conditioned, self-soothing porn user may response to this emotional pressure with more porn and self-soothing; the default response.

The good news for the porn user is that at this point in life, a shift or change may be possible. Instead of turning inward, or to porn they might be able to give emotional openness another chance. They may find soothing and pleasurable emotional connection (intimacy) with their spouse.

My website: www.resolutioncounseling.org

Turning away from our partners, as we turn toward porn.

The more we use porn, the less emotionally and even physically available we are to our partner.
1) With regular porn use, we tend to create and foster a fantasy world apart from our loved ones.
2) If we self-soothe with porn and masturbation, we miss opportunities to interact with our partner around these emotions. We miss chances to increase trust and connection.
3) Obviously, if we've already had an orgasm or two during the course of the day, we may not have much interest in sexual intimacy with our partner.
4) Even when we have sex with our loved one, we are likely to be caught up in some porn-induced sexual fantasy and not connect with them.

My website: http://www.resolutioncounseling.org

Pornography abuse and the illusion of control.

With porn, the user seems to be in complete control of the how, the when and the with whom. They can select the hot babe who best matches their fantasy and always have her begging for more. With her sex is totally self-indulgent and all about the user's needs.

But ironically, the more the user indulges, the more they need to indulge. And despite the illusion of control, the farther they proceed down this slippery slope, the more out of control their real lives actually become.

Visit my website: www.resolutioncounseling.org

Does your partner abuse pornography?

If they do, then I encourage you to post comments to this blog as a way to explain, explore, or describe what that's like for you. It's crucial that they "get it"!

Unfortunately, a lot of conversations on this topic only take place in the heat of the moment. Under such conditions a lot goes unsaid, isn't thought out, and gets side-tracked by defensiveness.

If you want to remain anonymous, you can always use your soap-opera star name: your middle name plus the name of the street where you grew up:>).

But seriously, compulsive sexual behavior involves such a high level of disconnect and denial that, as you know, you really need to keep repeating the message.

My website: http://www.resolutioncounseling.org/

Your Partner's Self-image and Esteem.

When using porn, what message are you sending to your partner? The unintended message is something like: "You're not good enough". Ask them for their personal version of this, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not far from the mark.

If there's anything to this, then what does your continued use of porn say about your level of respect and love for your partner?

If you want to strike a body-blow to your partner's self-image and self-esteem, keep turning away from them and toward pornography.

If you love and cherish them, open your arms to them. Do what it takes to make them feel the love.


My website: www.resolutioncounseling.org

Molly,

Thanks so much for your comment and suggestions. I'll check out the book you recommended and probably put a link to it on my website. A title I really like is Don't Call it Love, by Patrick Carnes.

Your input is always appreciated,

Dan

www.resolutioncounseling.org

Showing your partner you mean business.

Your partner may have lost faith in your commitment, or your ability to kick the sex, or porn habit. It's likely that they're anxious and are waiting for a replay of what has become the usual pattern of promises made and promises broken.

One way to reassure them is for you to be able to tell them what you're doing today and this week to keep the commitment you've made. This is where you list the details of your recovery plan: abstinence, healthy coping strategies, journaling, 12-step meetings, talking to them about how your doing, therapy, reading, etc.

You may not be able to promise that you'll never relapse into old behaviors, but you can assure them that you're taking steps today and tomorrow to restore trust.

Visit my website, or contact me for a free consultation: http://www.resolutioncounseling.org/

A Week without Orgasm: OMG!!

But seriously, how long can you go, without any sexual activity that is?

If you're really interested is finding out more about "the why" when it comes to your compulsive sexual behavior, just take some time off. If you can't last a week, or even a day, what does that tell you about your dependency on sex?

And during your brief period of abstinence, when are you the most fixated on breaking your sexual fast?

I know, I know, you like sex; you're a sexual person, and so on.

But are you having sex, or is sex having you?!

Visit my website, or contact me for a free consultation: www.resolutioncounseling.org

Why kick the habit?

Maybe you've considered that your use of porn, or the way you wander sexually might not be working for you as much as it's working against you.

So, what would life look like if you were to make more constructive choices in these areas? It may be hard to imagine; especially if you've been living this way for years; since you were a teenager.

A way to get more clarity about what this change might look like would be to answer these questions about your specific behavior:

1) How do I benefit from continuing to (your behavior here)?
2) What would I lose, or do I risk losing if I continue to (your behavior here)?
3) What benefits might come if I were to give up this behavior?
4) What would I lose if I were to give this up?

Visit my website, or contact me for a free consultation: www.resolutioncounseling.org

Why Use Porn?

This question inevitably comes up, and for good reason. It's hard to make sense of why one would continue to engage in a behavior, despite the knowledge that it could negatively impact their life.

I believe that part of the explanation lies in the answer to another question: What are the benefits of using porn?

One common response is that it's soothing, or relieves stress.

Of course, part of any recovery plan would involve looking for healthier ways to accomplish these necessary functions.

Another part of "the why" has to do with personal history and the childhood development of the need to self-soothe.

Pornography Addiction: It's a Private World

After years of abusing porn, it begins to become a part of a private world; a world populated by interchangeable fantasies. These fantasies, these day-dreams are perfect, in that they appear when we want them to, demand absolutely nothing from us, and leave when we're done. And they'll come back for more over and over and over for more of the same, if we like.

Over time, we begin to look forward to time in this private world, where we're in control, while turning our backs on the real and complicated world of our families and our partner.

To 12-Step, or Not?

It's common knowledge in the recovery community that regular attendance of 12-Step meetings can strengthen most recovery plans.

For someone just starting out, the idea of going to a 12-Step meeting for the first time is understandably a scary prospect.

Working the 12-Steps isn't for everyone and I do believe you can build a successful recovery plan w/o attending meetings.

Whether your path to recovery involves these meetings or not, I think it's important to know a few things about these programs:

1) Every person attending these meetings had to attend their first meeting, too.
2) The 12-Step model is less religious and more spiritual than you might think.
3) You can get as involved in these meetings, or the Steps as you'd like: each person has their own path to recovery.
4) Yes, what is said in these meetings, stays in these meetings.
5) The support and fellowship available allows you to connect as much as you'd like with others engaged in the struggle of recovery. You're Not Alone.
6) At these meetings you'll meet people from all walks of life, who, as a group, have had a whole range of experiences in their sexual history.

Infidelity?

When we lie to our partner about porn use, it's the lie that makes them feel like we've been unfaithful. Every time we promise to lay off the porn and they catch us in another lie, it's all that much harder to regain their trust. This is a self-reinforcing cycle that will sooner or later crush any relationship.

Pot and relaspe.

In my work with men trying to quit their use of pornography, one pattern I've seen is the link between pot use and "falling off the wagon". As you might guess, being stoned greatly reduces concern about the effect that porn use has on significant others. Pot also reduces one's ability to counter or resist deceptive self-talk, or bull-shit about how "This will be the last time.", or "Using porn doesn't really hurt anyone."