Porn addiction and the lack of emotional intimacy.

In my work, wives frequently report a lack of emotional intimacy in their marriages.

This comes as no surprise, especially if the husband is heavily into pornography and has been for 10 to 20 years. Commonly, men who use porn habitually, do so in part as a means of self-soothing, reducing stress, or tension. Often, a part of the story of the origins of their sexual behavior, masturbation often develops early on as a means of coping with emotional tension. At this earlier stage, this behavior is essentially an adaptive technique. The problems usually arise in adult life, when, after years of this type of conditioning and emotional self-soothing the porn user has difficulty switching gears and turning to others for emotional support. The spouse will notice the disconnect and voice concern. Unfortunately, the well-conditioned, self-soothing porn user may response to this emotional pressure with more porn and self-soothing; the default response.

The good news for the porn user is that at this point in life, a shift or change may be possible. Instead of turning inward, or to porn they might be able to give emotional openness another chance. They may find soothing and pleasurable emotional connection (intimacy) with their spouse.

My website: www.resolutioncounseling.org

Turning away from our partners, as we turn toward porn.

The more we use porn, the less emotionally and even physically available we are to our partner.
1) With regular porn use, we tend to create and foster a fantasy world apart from our loved ones.
2) If we self-soothe with porn and masturbation, we miss opportunities to interact with our partner around these emotions. We miss chances to increase trust and connection.
3) Obviously, if we've already had an orgasm or two during the course of the day, we may not have much interest in sexual intimacy with our partner.
4) Even when we have sex with our loved one, we are likely to be caught up in some porn-induced sexual fantasy and not connect with them.

My website: http://www.resolutioncounseling.org

Pornography abuse and the illusion of control.

With porn, the user seems to be in complete control of the how, the when and the with whom. They can select the hot babe who best matches their fantasy and always have her begging for more. With her sex is totally self-indulgent and all about the user's needs.

But ironically, the more the user indulges, the more they need to indulge. And despite the illusion of control, the farther they proceed down this slippery slope, the more out of control their real lives actually become.

Visit my website: www.resolutioncounseling.org

Does your partner abuse pornography?

If they do, then I encourage you to post comments to this blog as a way to explain, explore, or describe what that's like for you. It's crucial that they "get it"!

Unfortunately, a lot of conversations on this topic only take place in the heat of the moment. Under such conditions a lot goes unsaid, isn't thought out, and gets side-tracked by defensiveness.

If you want to remain anonymous, you can always use your soap-opera star name: your middle name plus the name of the street where you grew up:>).

But seriously, compulsive sexual behavior involves such a high level of disconnect and denial that, as you know, you really need to keep repeating the message.

My website: http://www.resolutioncounseling.org/

Your Partner's Self-image and Esteem.

When using porn, what message are you sending to your partner? The unintended message is something like: "You're not good enough". Ask them for their personal version of this, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not far from the mark.

If there's anything to this, then what does your continued use of porn say about your level of respect and love for your partner?

If you want to strike a body-blow to your partner's self-image and self-esteem, keep turning away from them and toward pornography.

If you love and cherish them, open your arms to them. Do what it takes to make them feel the love.


My website: www.resolutioncounseling.org

Molly,

Thanks so much for your comment and suggestions. I'll check out the book you recommended and probably put a link to it on my website. A title I really like is Don't Call it Love, by Patrick Carnes.

Your input is always appreciated,

Dan

www.resolutioncounseling.org

Showing your partner you mean business.

Your partner may have lost faith in your commitment, or your ability to kick the sex, or porn habit. It's likely that they're anxious and are waiting for a replay of what has become the usual pattern of promises made and promises broken.

One way to reassure them is for you to be able to tell them what you're doing today and this week to keep the commitment you've made. This is where you list the details of your recovery plan: abstinence, healthy coping strategies, journaling, 12-step meetings, talking to them about how your doing, therapy, reading, etc.

You may not be able to promise that you'll never relapse into old behaviors, but you can assure them that you're taking steps today and tomorrow to restore trust.

Visit my website, or contact me for a free consultation: http://www.resolutioncounseling.org/